Old Money New Money

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Pregnancy is a weird time. Your body is doing things that don’t seem to make sense, and almost every uncomfortable or questionable thing can be explained away as a “normal” or “common” symptom of pregnancy. I felt pretty good my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, but there are so many things I wished I had prioritized and done for myself before giving birth to prepare for the postpartum period.

If I could do it all again, I wish I would have told my old self to invest in my postpartum self and mental health. I thought having the necessities for baby and being prepared for labor was enough, but after the sprint there was a long one-woman marathon I was completely unprepared for.

Below are the top 10 things I would recommend investing in for postpartum health and the general out-of-pocket cost in the US you can expect to pay for each (your mileage my vary).

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1. Perinatal couples therapy

Cost: $150-$250 per 50 minute session

Becoming parents together is the ultimate relationship stress test.

The postpartum period is an incredibly sensitive and fragile time for everyone involved, and I wish I had spent time with my husband to talk through responsibilities and expectations while we both had the luxury of sleep and uninterrupted time. Between unspoken expectations, feelings of loneliness, and being caught in circular arguments that seem to always end with bitterness, it’s easy to forget why we chose each other to build a little family together.

But, better late than never; ego has no place in a relationship and we’ve been seeing a couple’s therapist since Aurelia was born. As the seasons change and we confront new challenges that seem to come right when things feel “normal” again, the consistency of having a safe space to find the strength and patience to listen and understand each other at our very best and very worst has reminded us that relationships take work and we are capable of adapting and becoming better for each other. If we can’t model a strong and healthy relationship, how can we expect our children to know what to look for in their friends and partners?

While we can’t change the past, we can learn and look forward. Here are a few topics my husband and I picked up along the way that may help give anyone who needs it some inspiration:

• Parenting styles: How long are you OK with baby crying before picking them up? Co-sleeping?
• Family Support: What are your boundaries and how much help are you expecting? What do they think their roles are?
• Visitation: When would you be comfortable having visitors? Do you wish for them to wear masks? How do you tell them no?
• Baby Blues/Postpartum Depression: What are the signs to look out for and what are the things your partner can do to support you?
• Division of Labor: What expectations do you have of each other, and how do you divide new responsibilities? Picking a card out of The Fair Play Deck, a game based off of the New York Times bestseller Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, is also a great way to gamify and facilitate this discussion.
• Safety Plan: What is a word you can use to tell your partner you need to step away and take a breather during high stress/exhaustion before things escalate?
• Sex and Contraception Post Birth: What type of contraception are you willing to consider to avoid pregnancy after childbirth? What will you do if you become pregnant?
• Short-Term Lifestyle Compromise: What are some changes you can make to alleviate the stress of chores? Using disposable plates/utensils so there are no dishes to do? Let go of folding laundry and be OK with wrinkled clothing?
• Childcare: Daycare vs. Nanny? What is the plan for when one of us goes back to work?

2. Postpartum Meal Delivery

Cost: $350-$500/week

Having your meals taken care of after coming home with baby is a must. Cooking and grocery shopping is not something that you’ll want add to the stress of caring for a newborn.

My mom researched and eventually ordered a Zuo Yue Zi (or 坐月子 in Chinese) meal package for me from Jing Mommy which, at shocking speed, delivered overnight to my doorstep the day after I delivered baby. The Zuo Yue Zi period, which literally translates to “sitting the month”, is an ancient Chinese practice that stems from the belief that a new mother’s only role for the month following birth is to rest and regain her health, while the support system around her takes care of her and surrounding chores so she can do so. The food, which just needed to be heated, comprised of many soups and traditional dishes with plenty of protein that left me very warm and full after every meal for more than a month.

There are now several services that deliver postpartum meals for mothers, making it easier than ever for parents to focus on recovery and baby without the stress of figuring out where your next meal is going to come from.

3. Time to Visit Daycares/Interview Nannies

Cost: 3-4 Hours

Even if you have the luxury of time to visit and interview childcare options post baby arrival, you may not have the luxury of choice given the waitlist times and extreme shortage of caretakers available.

I had no idea that daycares had waitlists anywhere from 6 months to 1+ years out for infants. I remember learning about this when visiting daycares after Aurelia was born and feeling my jaw drop. The timelines they were giving us meant that we needed to be waitlisted before I was even pregnant if we were to have any chance at getting into their infant care programs.

Mothers or mothers-to-be, please take note and start your search now if you plan to enroll your child before they turn 1.

I don’t have much experience with nannies, but if you are planning to get an au pair or nanny, it is also best you set aside a few months to conduct interviews prior to baby arriving. Some of the really experienced nannies only care for one family at a time, so you would want to get on their radar to be next in line ASAP.

(source: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/wb/topics/featured-childcare)

4. Postpartum Doula

Cost: $25-$75/hr

Anxiety strikes even the most carefree individuals. When should you play it safe, and will you be OK with being sorry?

After the hospital confirms mom and baby are healthy, you are hurried out into the world to figure it all out yourself. Alone and without nurses right outside your door to answer every beck and cry, you are now fully responsible for the life of a tiny and helpless infant.

Is this amount of spit up normal? Why won’t they stop crying? Am I feeding them enough milk? Why does the poop color look weird? Is this feeling normal? Why don’t I feel attachment to my baby?

While my hospital support team equipped me with tons of knowledge before they sent me off, postpartum anxiety hit us hard and we wished there was someone who was there with us in the beginning to assure us that what baby was experiencing was normal, mom was recovering well, or if we needed to get help.

5. IBLCE Certified Lactation Counselor

Cost: $0-$300/session (may be covered by insurance)

A baby isn’t born knowing how to drink milk, and a mom isn’t born knowing how to breastfeed. Drinking and feeding are skills that take time to acquire, and like learning any skill, the beginning is always the hardest part.

I laugh at myself when I think back to how ignorant I was about breastfeeding. I said to myself “if I can do it, great, if not, there’s formula”. I was so wrong. I was able to do it but it was anything but great. I wish I had known how unintuitive, painful, and frustrating the whole process was. Even after several months when I had gotten a hang of things, I hated almost every moment of it, but mostly hated myself for feeling so ungrateful and selfish when there were so many other women who wanted to feed their children but didn’t have the supply. Constant fear of mastitis, sore nipples, leaking all over the place, and feeling trapped because once you stop it’s over, these are things I never imagined went into the “simple” action of feeding a baby. To top it all off, babies aren’t just born knowing how to drink milk and the latching process is a whole physically and mentally painful ordeal. Moving between bottle to breastfeeding and then eventually back? Also not trivial.

Luckily there were lactation counselors who helped me immensely when I was in the hospital and was able to schedule a few sessions with available counselors through the hospital network, but I wish I had some education beforehand.

6. Probiotics, Fiber, Stool Softeners

Cost: $10-$50

You will thank yourself for this.

I was so afraid to go to the bathroom post-birth, especially since I had stitches from second-degree tearing. Anticipating the first poop after birth felt more terrifying than birth itself because I had never thought about it. Apparently constipation is common postpartum, your doctors will give you stool softeners, and I ended up totally fine, but nonetheless eat lots of fiber and take good care of your gut in the weeks before the big day to lessen the mental stress.

7. Brazilian Wax, Manicure, and Massage

Cost: $200-$400

Pampering yourself is not just for self-care.

I wish I had gotten a wax before heading into the labor room. I read that the doctors would do a trim, but they totally didn’t. This wish is not for aesthetic reasons, but for the impracticality of having pubic hair during the postpartum period where your vagina seems to be a never ending waterfall of blood for the next several days. There is so much blood and it is so messy. Do yourself a favor and get a Brazilian wax while you still have the chance to save yourself (and also your partner) from having to wipe blood off every surface during your bathroom breaks.

You should also get a manicure, trimmed short. I thought I would get an epidural, but I went into active labor so quickly that I didn’t even get the chance. I practically broke my husband’s hand gripping it so hard (oops). Probably didn’t help that my nails were also digging in very painfully. When you’re holding your newborn you also don’t want to risk scratching or poking them with sharp or scraggly nails.

Schedule a prenatal massage in your second or third trimester. Not only will this help alleviate anxiety and muscle pains, but it may also help you get some much needed sleep before baby arrives for moms who are experiencing disruptive insomnia. Your body will feel like it got hit by a truck post-birth and it may be a while before you’re able to step away for a spa day.

8. Dental Cleaning

Cost with insurance: $0

Average Out-of-Pocket Cost: $75-$200

Take advantage of your dental insurance. Oral health is very important for expecting moms.

With the slew of hormonal changes happening in the body during pregnancy, women become more prone to oral health problems and have an increased risk of gingivitis and tooth decay. 2-10% of expectant mothers may also experience pyogenic granulomas, or “pregnancy tumors”, which are inflamed tissue on the gum-line. Poor oral health can amount to complications during birth.

Some dental insurance plans offer no-cost additional cleaning services during pregnancy. I would highly recommend taking advantage of this benefit.

(source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6883753/)

9. House Cleaning and Car Wash

Cost for Standard Home Cleaning: $200-$300

Cost for Car Wash: $10-$50

Are you really going to deep clean your house for the next several months after coming home? If yes, good for you – I love when people set ambitious goals. When reality sets, you’ll thank yourself for having the foresight to get cleaners as a backup plan.

Ready to take home your infant in your dirty car for their first ever car ride? Set aside time for a thorough interior cleaning – you don’t want to be reaching in for the carseat buckles to find old crumbs and who knows what else deep in those crevices.

10. Daily Movement and Breath Work

Cost: $0

While you may not be as mobile anymore, become out-of-breath easily, and feel like your joints are aching everywhere, I fully believe that my evening walks and lunch Zoom workouts with friends contributed to my body being as prepared as it could be for Aurelia’s uncomplicated birth and being able to walk around hours after. I enjoyed the Alo Moves prenatal workout classes which were challenging but tailored for my body so I didn’t need to worry about getting hurt or hurting the baby. Watching breathing exercise videos and practicing them with my husband also saved my life. I exaggerate, but I did not give a sh*t about what anyone in the room thought of me mooing like a cow if it meant getting the baby out ASAP.

There are plenty of free YouTube videos and workout apps, but in case you’d like to try out Alo Moves, here’s a referral link to get a free 30-day trial to test it out for yourself.

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I hope this list helps other mamas-to-be get a head start on this marathon; wishing you a smooth postpartum and recovery period!